Some Times We Just Need To Feel Like We Matter.

When we are dealing with Anti-Fa, BLM, or any member of a street gang, it helps to realize that the person joined for a reason that is much deeper than just joining the group. For the most part they are dealing with abandonment issues. I can relate.

My father abandoned us when I was in Jr. High. But even before that he was not much of a Dad. My Grand parents died 5 year apart before that. My first wife was killed, with my unborn child by a drunk driver. Years later I married again only to have her throw me away for a man that her family chose. I don’t trust people!

So when the Sister Missionaries handed me off to the Elders I was triggered. I saw that my Ex-inlaws are still members of the Ward and all of the pain and regrets that have passed through my heard and my heart came rushing back. This is compounded by the fact that a few days ago we lost a rescue on my watch. I am sick of feeling worthless. I understand how it feels to just want to be wanted.

My point is that everyone needs to have a place to belong.

After my wife left I started taking more risks at work. I would have denied it but I really did and sometimes still do have a death wish. I would defend it by taking the high ground, saying “I take these risks so the people who have families don’t have too, (The people who matter). However, in secret I would pray for a bullet to find me.

I was that kid walking halls of my high school everyday promising myself and praying to a God I did not believe in, at the time, that if someone would just take the time to acknowledge that I even existed, I would have an excuse to live another day. The miracle was that someone always said hi to me and days worked into years. Sister Sydney Evens of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, asked me if I had any testimony of Jesus working in my life, I told both of the Sisters, ” simple I come home at night.’ I just let the two young women who are serving their mission believe that I was referring to how dangerous my job is, but the truth is I am still struggling with my demons.

The need to belong for me is so strong that my depression becomes self destructive if I don’t have some kind of social interaction outside of work. I believe that my going to church or even giving blood has a kin to the reasons so many are joining these protests / riots.


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